Heaven. Vast fields stretching into infinity covered with unlimited riches and resources. People entering from all religions, ideologies, and races, lavishing in its green pastures, some sitting on divans, others relaxing on beds next to virgins after enjoying a day of wine and honey. It is liberalism gone mad.
But the bliss is temporary, because with humans chaos is bound to take over. A strong leader has to emerge. Fortunately, we have a number of top-notch leaders of great repute, full of wisdom, faith experience, intelligence, wit, and beauty. Death has but transferred these omnipotent creatures from earth to heaven and there is still no force that can control the galaxy like them.
So, from this distinguished hall of fame, which one would become the ruler of heaven?
To find out, we compiled a list of our most eminent leaders and compared their achievements across a number of key parameters. We considered their speech making prowess, with a particular focus on their ability to inspire strength and a national identity. We also considered their achievements in creating a security establishment with the right proportion of police forces, investigators, military personnel, special forces, prison staff, experts, and media. Finally, we looked at their diplomatic and political adeptness, measured as their ability to make and break alliances as well as how quickly each managed to monopolize power domestically.
Each of the great leaders, Saddam, Assad senior, and Hussain, Ghaddafi, Khalifa, and Mohammad V, are considered irreplaceable symbols, and without them heaven would break into pieces and plunge towards the unknown. Each one was created to be a kingpin. There is simply not a single, conceivable scenario where one would be the deputy, advisor, minister, or, completely unimaginable, a citizen like the common riffraff.
Given this predicament, heaven should be divided into sections. This would give each leader a platform to extract resources, appoint a ministry, employ his dead relatives in high-ranking official positions, impose taxes, incite people, and engineer chaos of his own particular design.
To maintain a working peace between the different sections they would also need to establish a branch of the Arab League to organise those great leaders and give them a place to quarrel civilly. Here, leaders can let off steam by exchanging insults and accusations, and publish statements calling for strengthening their joint action, bonds of brotherhood, and interdependence.