Assuring unsuccessful presidential candidates that he intends to turn over a new leaf, President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Great Architect of Secularism and Gardener of Human Happiness, granted former opponents forty-eight hours to surrender before pronouncing them fugitives from justice and reeling them in to profess their loyalty.
Addressing the candidates, Erdogan reminded them how he handled opposition in the past despite the limited powers he wielded back then. “You should not be ashamed of your defeat in the recent election. What would be grievous mistake, however, is not recognizing defeat, and to remain obstinate and uncooperative without any consideration for my newfound unlimited authority.”
“Brother traitors,” he exclaimed. “I extend my hand in friendship and offer you the opportunity to reap the fruits of my unparallelled mercy. I will not ridicule you and drag you through the streets just to relish in my victory.”
“Take my advice: enjoy the next few hours with your families and give them a farewell glance. Appreciate your fortune, be grateful for the life sentence I will grant you if you surrender voluntarily, and keep in mind how lucky you are that I have not reintroduced the death penalty – yet.”
He then proceeded to say, “Your defeat might have been a blessing in disguise. Thank goodness I won because if one of you succeeded that would have forced me, my party and my followers to rain down on you and overthrow your rule to re-establish the proper order.”