Russian authorities in Syria have offered all remaining ghosts a forty-eight hour window to evacuate Aleppo, warning that they will face the same fate as their bodies unless they depart.
In a strongly worded statement, the Russian Ministry of Defense issued a warning to all remaining ghosts in the area, “All ghosts in Aleppo are advised to leave immediately unless they want to experience hell on earth with well-tried weapons from our encounters with the Syrians, Afghans, Ukrainians, and Poles – to name a few.”
Russian political analyst Boris Katyusha described the spiritual purge as the final stage in the clearing of Aleppo. “We already rid the city of living rebels,” he explained, “but Russia will not let Aleppo be transformed into a ghost town. We are simply taking measures to eradicate all rebellious elements, be they physical or spiritual, so we can reconstruct the city anew under the tutelage of presidents Vladimir Putin and Bashar al-Assad.”
He added, “President Vladimir Putin has repeatedly expressed his concern for Syrian souls, and here he is, showing that he is a man of his word. We have even opened an air corridor where the ghosts can depart safely to their creator without the interference of our air defense or SU-planes.”