Are you tired of living on your homeland’s soil? Do you hope you can one day live a vagrant’s life? A team of investigative journalists from Al-Hudood have carried out a survey of the best ways to travel far away from the Arab world, to the harsh foreign lands overseas far from your people, the government and the Salafis.
Tunnels: Dear Arab traveler, this path has proven to be the most effective way of moving freely in Gaza, the Sinai desert and the south of Lebanon. All you need to do is to immediately begin digging your own tunnel. Despite the time and effort required to travel through tunnels, it remains a path free from intelligence service checks, metal detectors and the faces of security guards. Until now, nobody has been able to use a tunnel to completely and permanently leave the Arab world, but logically, digging tunnels of longer distances should allow one to reach farther, more beautiful places.
Swimming: Do you like swimming? Do you enjoy the water, even if only in your bathtub? If you love to travel by sea and do not fear drowning, then this way will definitely be your favorite. Those who choose this method, however, must literally learn how to catch a breath, for quite long times. And, more importantly, must enjoy life’s gambles. All you have to do, dear Arab traveler, is head to one of the Arab countries with a coastline on the Mediterranean Sea (except for Gaza as the Israelis like to keep their Gazans in Gaza), then head either by sailing or swimming towards your eternal salvation. Swimming to Europe for salvation is incredibly risky as you could encounter sharks, the Coast Guard, storms, and whirlpools along your way. This is the best method for someone who wants to mix their dreams with adventure, but definitely not for the faint-hearted.
Hot air balloon: As Wahhabi scholars have explained to us, if you get high enough in a hot air balloon and wait for the Earth to spin slightly, then land you should inevitably arrive elsewhere, specifically because the Earth spins alone, leaving the atmosphere surrounding it completely unmoved. All you need to do, dear reader, is build a hot air balloon, fill it with Egyptian gas and then ride in it and land wherever your soul pleases, cutting off the strings connecting you to the region. It is an easy process, my friend, but beware of waiting too long in the hot air balloon before landing, as you may – God forbid – return to your original point of departure.
Remember: If you happen to land in the sea, you can use the travelling method mentioned above. Also, beware of the missiles in the area, Israel’s Iron Dome and Hezbollah’s missiles, Iranian and Russian missiles, and the recently discovered Saudi Air-force arsenal, you ought to look out for all of them.
Working for Aramco-Dubai: despite the prevailing impression given by maps and the World Atlas, history and global economy have proven that Dubai and the Aramco group are not actually located in the Arab world. This method might seem easy in the first instance, but it isn’t, dear Arab traveler. First you must find a job, and we know that the jobs that Arabs can carry out are extremely limited, as some jobs are specifically for white men and others for the slaves from Southeast Asia, so a limited number of options remain. Also, you need to find a sponsor, and we know that the potential sponsors we rarely meet forget us quickly, as you will too when you get there. Then you must accept the insults and humiliation on a regular basis. But there is no new shame in that, as we all learned to do that in our own countries.
Eternal salvation: There are two main problems of living in the Arab world: the problem of living itself in addition to that of ‘living’ in our beloved homeland. The permanent solution to both of those is death, but very few have the courage and determination to take this path.
Do not lose hope, fellow Arab, time solves all problems. All you need to do is wait until God grants you a visa and a one-way ticket to leave your homeland to heaven, where the Houris are only for men and where rivers of non-intoxicating alcohol and honey flow, where nature and beauty is similar to that in infidel and morally decayed Europe.